A Christmas Message from Papa Blaine

Hey folks– here is Blaine Ray’s annual Christmas letter.  Can people see how many awesome story ideas there are in here? Clase, había un ratón que quería sacar el queso de las trampas…  Anyway here is Papa Blaine:

 

Dear Friends,

What a nice time of year. It is always fun to tell everyone about all the wonderful things that have happened in the last year. One great thing is that I am still alive. Every year that gets more significant.

A real major high of the last year is that I have been getting better at my running. I used to pass only people in wheelchairs and with canes, but now I routinely pass people who are walking and those who weigh twice as much as I do. It is amazing. In fact, just last week I passed a person in good health who was running at full speed. I passed him easily. Right when I passed him, his Mom yelled at him to stop. He very obedient and he did. Besides, he knew he was going to lose the race to me anyway. So now I can run faster than people in wheelchairs, with canes and three-year olds.

After spending years in cheap hotels, I still haven’t learned my lesson. Last summer I stayed in a nice little 40 dollar a night place. I sat on the toilet and it broke. There was water everywhere. Luckily I was only there for one night. I ran out of towels soaking up the water.

I had one thrill last year. I turned 62 and so was eligible to purchase a lifetime pass to our national park system for 10 dollars. The guy working there of course didn’t believe I was over 62 so he asked for ID. It was such a wonderful feeling to finally get asked for ID to prove my age.Usually one look at me and they don’t question that I am very well qualified for any senior discount.

I had one major setback last year. I decided to use some old material in my Christmas newsletter.  I told the same story two years in a row. A couple of people pointed out that I was using old material. What a setback. This year I had to go back and make sure all of my stories are original this year. It is not easy.

I recently found a real bargain— a $3.50 haircut. I went in thinking it would take just a minute or two. I didn’t think they would cut much of my hair because it would be bad for repeat business.  Much to my surprise, the guy went crazy. He cut my hair shorter than it had been in years. I even asked him for a normal haircut but I guess he didn’t really know what normal was. I think I could give him some good coaching on his business model. If he left a lot more hair, people would come back more often. As it is, I won’t need another haircut for over six months.

We have had a major problem around our house. We have a really smart mouse. We put out traps and the mouse just eats the cheese and the trap doesn’t go off. We have tried several different ways of putting the cheese on the trap but so far nothing has worked. Now instead of singing the song “Feed the Birds” I sing “Feed our Mouse.” Every time I put cheese on the trap I feel like I am setting up a mouse buffet. It is pretty embarrassing to admit you are being outsmarted by a mouse. Hopefully we will have this solved by next year.

Love,

Blaine

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